Yeah, that's where I'm at. I hate depression but it's a part of my life. Sometimes it's a gradual slipping and a slow crawl towards that dark hole. Other times, it hits me like a ton of bricks and leaves me wondering what I did wrong to end up in that hole.
Stress is most often what causes the type of depression that crushes me overnight. It's probably the most confusing not only to me but also to those around me. I can look fine, go to bed fine, and wake up the next morning wondering what the point is to waking up.
I wrote a little about my lack of self esteem earlier this week and I'm at one of those lows right now. I know it's never a good idea to count on others to build my self esteem but at the same time, it would be a lot more helpful to hear a few more positives and a few less negative opinions about how I do things.
I know I'm not perfect... never have been and I never will be. But it's tough when the things I do wrong are quickly pointed out while other things that I bust my ass to do rarely mentioned.
It's never anything major but the little things seem to add up to the general feeling that I just suck...
- You left some lights on in the house this morning... yeah, I was trying to make it out the door, get Chaney to school on time and on my 7:40am conference call right on time.
- You didn't load and unload the dishwasher??... yeah, I made dinner and then I had to argue (help) with Chaney about her homework, have her argue with me about taking a shower, and listen to her grumble and make excuses about practicing her violin.
- You forgot to do _______... yes, I did. Between inhaling my lunch and running errands for our family, I forgot or ran out of time to do one thing.
- You didn't run today?... no, not yet. If I can get everyone to leave me alone that might be a possibility.
- You don't take care of yourself... Because I'm taking care of everything else that I didn't do.
- You never take time for yourself... see above.
And then I find more things that I didn't do and it makes me wonder why I try so hard in the first place. I know it's a common thing with women but I feel like I'm losing myself. My identity is the daily grind of home, work, and life. Anything above and beyond that and I either feel selfish or inadequate.
And I'm exhausted.
Maybe I'll find the time to run today. I sure hope so because I need it.